Have been terribly slack

Well I failed in my new years resolution to a) lose weight and b) keep a blog.

I think I have spent a long time in denial about my health. I have type 2 diabetes... and I think I have known this for a long time. So I am taking the diaformin extended release as it doesn't give me the shits every time I think about moving... which is real relief... how ever I have started to self medicate in the context of I have up'ed my dose from 1000 to 1500 and I think I am going to have to talk to my GP about maybe even up'ing it again to 2000, so that I can get my blood sugars down into an appropriate range. They have been above 9 all the time and it scares me to think seriously how high they have been. But I am scared to up the dose at least until I see the results of tomorrow's blood test as at the moment they are 9.9... but in the morning I expect them to be more like 13... we'll see I guess. I am fearful that I am going to have to go on insulin at least over nights... but I guess we cross that bridge when we come to it.

Unfortunately all this has been feeding my love hate relationship for food. The girls had ice cream today from maccas, and I couldn't have any... I knew it would send my experiment out the window... the experiment is to avoid starchy food after 4pm... but then i did have a nice yoghurt at lunch, so it shouldn't be so bad, except they had kfc and I had subway... but I really wanted kfc... i want to eat all the bad things and I know I have to pick the good foods now for the matter of life and death, but there is only so much fricken salad someone can eat. we are trying to experiment with what alternative vegetables we can have from peas, corn carrot potato... all the starchy starch vegetables.

But it is also messing with my self hatred... I really hate myself, for letting things get this bad, for being such a lazy person, for being me.

I did just buy one of those vibration machines... now I am a little skeptical about it actually doing anything much, but as chris and I discussed, if the only thing it does is a massage, then it is probably worth it... will be interesting to see if I actually lose weight on it and these other lifestyle changes.

I have been keeping a food diary now too... which has helped with making the choices of what I am going to eat during the day and dealing with my brain... cause from about 9pm onwards, I 'get hungry'... which is what I think I do to help me stay up late... but I don't need help like that... I have a pretty 'un'healthy supply of stored energy. But I have noticed that many nights now I am sitting here thinking about food... and that sucks. I bought chris and the kids fish fingers... cost like $4, and there is like 40 in a pack, so should get a few serves out of them. I bought a box of fish for me... think there is like 2 serves in it... for $7.50... it is times like this where it is really expensive... even the plainer crumbed fish was $$. But I am trying hard not to go on insulin as that is really expensive... it is like $50-60... and I am not sure how long it would last me.

I am starting to seriously think that gastric bypass surgery isn't a bad option as it would limit how much i can stuff in my face at one time. I don't remember what it is like to me in a healthy weight range... and I probably won't know what it is like for many years to come, but it has to come otherwise I leave my kids without a mum and I don't want to follow in my mothers footsteps any longer. I need to shed her from my life, I want to be happy and not fat.